The Present Overwhelming Circumstances

God,

I'm feeling down right now. I know that I'm going to be talking about myself a lot in this letter, but I feel like I have to get this out.

I'm so tempted to be cynical about life. My circumstances suck. No job, no money, no concrete idea of what's going on in the future. People in government are so full of themselves and their own interests, power. I'm tempted to be filled with hate toward these people.

Yesterday I felt so anxious about our finances. I didn't get the check in the mail over the weekend, and it looks like our car payment is going to bounce, which will lead to more overdraft charges we cannot afford (who can, really).

When I get like this, I start focusing on control: what I can control and what I'm unable to control. Circumstances beyond my control frustrate me: traffic, standing in lines, my job situation, not getting my unemployment check.

Frustrated by this, I tend toward my default behavior, which is not drawing near to you. I seek self-gratification, whether through finding junk on the internet, or my self-mutilation.

Speaking of that, I know you are aware of the scabs on my scalp, chin, above my right ankle, and the scratches on my foot. I'll bite my fingernails and I'll just otherwise pull back from life.

That's what I was trying to do last night, when Jennie came downstairs to talk about Keisha's birthday party. Getting all of that together, trying to meet my daughter's expectations - whatever they are - feels like a lot right now.

And we're selling the house and getting ready to meet with the bancruptcy attorney next Monday.

In addition, we have stuff going on at church. I'm having a hard time giving my heart to others.

I want to have hope, Lord. I don't want to make excuses about not being effective.

In a lot of ways, I miss working at my previous jobs, even though I wasn't really happy there. The present circumstances just seem so overwhelming right now.

I'm grateful for medicine to help me with the depression and anxiety, but I would also like non-medical ways of dealing with the stuff. I would love to be able to use the stress I'm feeling for productive and effective means, but I'm feeling stuck.

Lord, I need your help. I know, Jesus, that you've been through so much more, and God, that the circumstances of my life are not hard at all for you to handle. I'm having trouble seeing that I can do it. I feel weak, not strong. I feel incapable.

God, help me to have clarity and to keep a sense of humor. Help me to not avoid responsibilities but to instead use the strength you've given me.

Lord, God, Almighty, strengthen me!

I love you, God!

Your son,
Danny