from earlier this afternoon:
God,

I feel like crap. I don't like how I feel. I'm so sad. I don't have control over my emotions. I'm mad at myself for not being "aligned with social norms." I want to hurt myself to take out my anger and frustration. I feel like I'm alone in my struggle. I feel subhuman. I have several thoughts of events from the past that have hurt me -- in which I was hurt.

I'm reminded of several times in Junior High School where I just wanted to fit in. S.W. and others said I should dress a certain way and have a certain kind of haircut. I wanted acceptance so badly because if they accepted me, then maybe I could accept myself. I remember times when I tried to fit in, but I failed. I felt sad and mad.

I remember being ridiculed by so-called friends in the neighborhood where I grew up: D.S., D.H., G.S., and B.F.

Others have often looked at me as the weak, emotional person. When they say I'm emotional, I think they see this as a weakness, as something others have and perhaps they could take advantage of. That hurts and angers me.

I feel myself having a lot of thoughts, irrational. When lying face down on my bed, I'm afraid of sticking my legs out straight because I don't want them to get locked that way: someone could come by and break them, or my legs could get stuck that way.

I don't like not being in control. I'm scared of trusting people because I don't want to get hurt.